Attention Red Sox fans

Just a little message to those Red Sox fans who might actually read my posts...though I haven't posted in a little over a year...my bad, I've been busy, what?

I was looking for a new fan t-shirt to wear to the ballpark over the weekend and I stumbled across this shirt on Cafepress. (the direct link is here)

I thought this shirt kind of a silver lining in a cloudy world. It's a least a bit different than the normal things you see on Yawkey Way and in all the little shops throughout Boston, so I thought I would share this glimmer of fun with the fans.

See you at the ball park!

Boston Bomb Ha-ha-hoax

While I don't generally feel the need to write on the stupidity of our media and elected officials, which I feel is just a known fact among the educated, I just can't let this one go without a few words.

Yesterday, there was a big to do in the city of Boston, a small city in New England where I happen to reside. Apparently, there was some sort of major bomb threat involving two art school students and a bunch of Lite Brite boards.

You can read some follow-up here

It took $500,000 dollars worth of taxpayer dollars, several hours and multiple road and public transportation closings to determine that these "sinister devices" were in fact, part of a multi-city marketing campaign for Adult Swim's "Aqua Teen Hunger Force".

I think the funniest part of this whole thing is that the media is playing this out as a bomb hoax...as if some sort of severe terror threat has been publicly thwarted and we, as good citizens of this town, should genuflect upon the cold stone outside city hall and praise the Mayor and all his cohorts for saving us from what may have caused major social distress, akin to a Scarlett Johansson boob flash. Have we been watching too much "24"?

I don't recall any mention of a bomb threat being called in...can you imagine THAT phone call? "There are 42 bird-flipping Lite-Brite caricatures of an 8 bit cartoon character scattered throughout your city. All of them will begin to glow very brightly when the sun goes down. BEWARE THE MOONINITES!"...and there does not seem to be any intent to cause panic from the two gentleman who placed these devices. This is not exactly like yelling "Cops!" at some High School kegger.

These guys were paid to participate in a guerrilla marketing campaign. I'll concede the fact that maybe the campaign wasn't as well thought out as it should have been, but for the media to blow this so out of proportion as to potentially insight unwarranted fear...I mean, who are the hoaxters here? Tomorrows headlines should read, "Bomb Hoax Media Hype Bombed: Newscaster says, 'Got'cha!'"

And now, on top of all of that...we've got our own Mayor "Mumbles" Menino who wants to make an example of these guys by making them pay for the $500,000 dollars it cost to have these devices removed. Talk about trying to correct for your own stupidity and being out of touch with current popular culture.

I think deep down, Boston really wants some sort of terror threat, which is why this one got so blown out of proportion. I feel like this town felt a little left out of the 9/11 attacks...as if Boston wasn't big enough to bother with. And to have a terror attack of our own would say to the world, "Hey, look at us...we're a big, world-class city too." It's nice to have dreams, right?

Another day, another stupid media hype-up...in a few short months we'll be back to all the news hype on the dangers of public swimming pools and the importance of hydration.

With that...Richard Branson is opening a Virgin Stem Cell Bank.

What is this world coming to?

"Terminator" Just Got Deeper

So, I was watching "Terminator" last night, the original, where Arny was the bad guy, and I had a thought.

There is one point where Reese, the guy trying to save Sarah Connor from the Terminator, is speaking to Sarah and mentions that in the future, the machines have taken control of everything. My personal understanding of this is that the machines had taken control of computers, mechanics, communications...essentially anything that was somehow connected to a mechanical device and was part of some sort of network system. I mean, I would assume that something like a personal transport vehicle, unless captured by the machines and given a brain, would still run independently of the tyranical machine world.

That being said, this guy Reese has a couple of flashbacks, or flashforwards, if you will, to his fighting in the field against the machines. These flashforwards are shot in the dark, the sun probably being demolished in some sort of nuclear explosion, and it's a little hard to see the kind of equipment these humans are carrying around with them. But, at one point, it is very clear that Reese has on a wireless headset, most likely used for in-field communication.

My thought is simply this...if you know that machines have control of everything, why would you use radio as a means of communication? I mean, it seems a little silly doesn't it? I would think that machines of all things would have an easy time intercepting vital communication and using it to their advantage, right? This just doesn't seem like a very bright maneuver.

I realize that nuclear war and machines taking control is sort of a bleak outlook of our future, but do we really have to add insult to injury by assuming that humans are stupid? Or is the illusion of humans as intelligent beings based on the fact that we use machines instead of our own minds, and by not having them as slaves, we are thus forced to recognize the reality that we humans, in general, are morons...or maybe we just live in blissful ignorance of that fact and blame others for our own shortcomings...or maybe it was just a cool accessory for the future that the director and wardrobe person decided on for the sake of filming and never really expect anyone to spend this much time thinking about it.

Ten Things

Ten things I learned when visiting New Orleans:

10) Publicly announcing that one would like New Orleans to be a "Chocolate City" is guaranteed to get you plenty of news exposure and you may even get your face printed on some shoddy t-shirt.

9) Boats don't function well as a major source of transportation once flood waters have receeded, but they do make wonderful lawn ornaments.

8) Voodoo rituals can be a valuable source of fresh chicken for those on a limited budget.

7) Calling funnel cake by a fancy French name like Beignets will certainly entice visitors into ordering some for the whole table.

6) Having your palm read can be a business expense if your reader discusses your career for more than five minutes.

5) When attempting to suck the meat out of a crawfish, make sure it's dead first.

4) 3-for-1 drink specials are to make that band sound ten times better than they really are...and it works.

3) FEMA is a bad word...or acronym as it were.

2) There is such a thing as 'too drunk'.

1) Projectile vomitting on Bourbon street falls under the catagory of performance art.

Toast First, Then Butter

Not that I think (in general) they take pride in this little fact, but women are the more Machiavellian of the sexes. They have a tendency to be more cunning and deceptive when it comes to getting what they want. Isn't that the basis for the ABC television series, 'Desperate Housewives'?

Seriously...don't sit there acting like you've never bought a girl a drink because she thrust her cleavage in your face, licked her lips and gave you those big doe eyes. And you think that 'daddy's little girl' thing is for real...hell NO! It's an act, a way of life that helps keep her financial future secure, and her father of the mindset that his daughter is still carrying around her "V-Card". Even toward their so-called friends and co-workers, women can be insanely devious. They'll say one thing to your face, but as soon as you're out of earshot...let the verbal assault begin.

These are things that I have just come to expect from the fairer sex. It's stuff you see and hear, but dare not call her out for being a phony, a fake, an insidious backstabbing bitch, for fear that her wrath will be turned upon you...likely leaving you naked, ball-gagged in a alley, thrown in a dumpster and missing your best friend and his two cousins.

In a lot of cases, women should be praised for using their mental prowess and sexual charms to their advantage. There is, however, one approach that I'd like to see changed.

I call it the 'Buttering Theory'. How many times in your life has a girlfriend, wife or female co-worker approached you with a flirty walk, big smile and an over-the-top happy greeting like, "Hey, hon. How are you? Oooo, I like that shirt." This is the initial buttering. It's used to make the following question or statement somehow less harsh. As if, like magic, I'm going to be happy she slept with my best friend, simply because my "face looks sexy when it's all scruffy like that." She's buttering the bread before throwing it in the toaster and burning the shit out of it.

The sad part is, we know it's coming. We guys act like Pavlov's dogs, it's conditioned response. We concede to her wishes, expecting some sort of reward, but rarely is there any kind of Scooby snack after she's gotten what she wants or needs. The 'pleases' and 'thank yous' all come at the beginning, and that IS our reward. That was the scratch on the belly, the pat on the head. Hope you didn't blink, you might have missed it.

Wouldn't it be better if she just gave it to you straight, without all the theatrics..."I need some money," "I'm giving you this crappy project to work on," "I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it." And then, maybe a little thank you, a back rub or a pint of Chubby Hubby for doing a good job or accepting the situation like an adult.

The point is, what happens to bread if you butter it before you put it in the toaster? That's right...it burns faster. You either butter your bread and eat it, or put it in the toaster first and then butter it. So, ladies...please, please, please...for our sakes, stop the premature buttering.

You think you're making things better when, in reality, you're just making us burn quicker and leaving yourselves with an unappetizing black mass that crumbles when you touch it. Or is that the game? You turn us into these blackened pieces of emptiness, held together only by our lack of movement, and from here, in this state, you can crush us with less physical exertion than it takes to breathe.

Well, here's one piece of bread that's going to throw himself in the toaster before you can butter him up. You heard me...you go ahead and pull out that rich, creamy, vat of Country Crock, but you're gonna have to wait until I'm golden brown and full of crispy goodness before you can start the buttering.

Open Letter to Rep. Patrick Kennedy

Dear Mr. Kennedy,

I'm so glad to hear that you are alive and doing well after that security gate jumped out of the road and viciously attacked you during your early, early morning commute to work.

As a full-time graphic designer, part-time bartender and prescription drug abuser, I can certainly empathize with your situation. Sometimes when the stress of tight deadlines, 90 hour weeks, never-ending bills and living paycheck to paycheck becomes too much, the only way I feel I can escape is with a few OxyContin. It's usually just enough the take the edge off.

Knowing your family history and its fight with alcohol abuse, it's wonderful to know that you choose Ambien as your sedative of choice after a rough day of voting. But adding the Phenergan to that may have been pushing it. Any intelligent drug abuser knows that it's not good to go mixing drugs. I mean, that's why we abuse prescription drugs...because we're smart people. Not like those poor, dumb bastards on crystal meth, crack or heroin.

While I realize stomach cramps, nausea and the likelihood of shitting yourself can be very uncomfortable, maybe laying off the Ambien for a few days would have been a good idea. Personally, I blame your doctor. Not only should he have warned you of the possibilities of complications when mixing meds, but also, you'd think he'd mention the side effects of a gastroenteritis drug. But at least now you know that Phenergan “can cause drowsiness and sedation." So at least we've learned something here.

By the way, for a serious high...try dissolving 250mg of Phenergen and 100mg of Ambien in a glass of Bordeaux or perhaps a 22 yr. Lagavulin...

There is still one thing that remains unclear to me though, and I was hoping you could clear it up for me. In a recent statement to the press you were quoted as saying:

"I returned to my home on Capitol Hill and took the prescribed amount of Phenergan and Ambien, which was also prescribed by the Attending Physician some time ago and I occasionally take to fall asleep. Some time around 2:45am, I drove the few blocks to the Capitol Complex believing I needed to vote."

Okay, the disorientation and confusion I understand, believe me! But wouldn't the Ambien have put you to sleep? I mean, shit...one Ambien and I'm dead to the world for about 6 hours. Maybe you just have a tolerance for that kind of thing.

Anyway, I'm just glad you're okay and that you were stopped before you hurt yourself or someone else. It could have been worse, right? You could've been with your brother's former secretary and rolled the car into a pond.

Sincerely,

Edgar Popsalot
President/CEO
Fashionable Drugs Adaptation Team (F-DAT)

Mission Impossible

On my way into work this morning, and for many mornings past, I have noticed ads on the sides of buses, on subway walls and in various other places, touting the praises of "Mission Impossible: III," starring Tom Cruise, of course.

Um...if the mission is impossible, wouldn't he have been dead a long time ago? Shouldn't it be called "Mission Improbable." Twice, it seems, he has accomplished the impossible...thus defying the very idea that something is impossible.

Knowing of course, that Hollywood would never really let Tom Cruise die in a film of this caliber (mainly for fear that they may have to write a script in which he rises from the grave using his Scientologist methods of resurrection) can we please just call this what it is? Mission Improbable may not hold the same kind of presence as the chosen title, and it may not spark a sense of awe in the young demographic for which this movie surely was made, but then who do they think they're kidding? No one is really going to see this thing anyway.