Toast First, Then Butter

Not that I think (in general) they take pride in this little fact, but women are the more Machiavellian of the sexes. They have a tendency to be more cunning and deceptive when it comes to getting what they want. Isn't that the basis for the ABC television series, 'Desperate Housewives'?

Seriously...don't sit there acting like you've never bought a girl a drink because she thrust her cleavage in your face, licked her lips and gave you those big doe eyes. And you think that 'daddy's little girl' thing is for real...hell NO! It's an act, a way of life that helps keep her financial future secure, and her father of the mindset that his daughter is still carrying around her "V-Card". Even toward their so-called friends and co-workers, women can be insanely devious. They'll say one thing to your face, but as soon as you're out of earshot...let the verbal assault begin.

These are things that I have just come to expect from the fairer sex. It's stuff you see and hear, but dare not call her out for being a phony, a fake, an insidious backstabbing bitch, for fear that her wrath will be turned upon you...likely leaving you naked, ball-gagged in a alley, thrown in a dumpster and missing your best friend and his two cousins.

In a lot of cases, women should be praised for using their mental prowess and sexual charms to their advantage. There is, however, one approach that I'd like to see changed.

I call it the 'Buttering Theory'. How many times in your life has a girlfriend, wife or female co-worker approached you with a flirty walk, big smile and an over-the-top happy greeting like, "Hey, hon. How are you? Oooo, I like that shirt." This is the initial buttering. It's used to make the following question or statement somehow less harsh. As if, like magic, I'm going to be happy she slept with my best friend, simply because my "face looks sexy when it's all scruffy like that." She's buttering the bread before throwing it in the toaster and burning the shit out of it.

The sad part is, we know it's coming. We guys act like Pavlov's dogs, it's conditioned response. We concede to her wishes, expecting some sort of reward, but rarely is there any kind of Scooby snack after she's gotten what she wants or needs. The 'pleases' and 'thank yous' all come at the beginning, and that IS our reward. That was the scratch on the belly, the pat on the head. Hope you didn't blink, you might have missed it.

Wouldn't it be better if she just gave it to you straight, without all the theatrics..."I need some money," "I'm giving you this crappy project to work on," "I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it." And then, maybe a little thank you, a back rub or a pint of Chubby Hubby for doing a good job or accepting the situation like an adult.

The point is, what happens to bread if you butter it before you put it in the toaster? That's right...it burns faster. You either butter your bread and eat it, or put it in the toaster first and then butter it. So, ladies...please, please, please...for our sakes, stop the premature buttering.

You think you're making things better when, in reality, you're just making us burn quicker and leaving yourselves with an unappetizing black mass that crumbles when you touch it. Or is that the game? You turn us into these blackened pieces of emptiness, held together only by our lack of movement, and from here, in this state, you can crush us with less physical exertion than it takes to breathe.

Well, here's one piece of bread that's going to throw himself in the toaster before you can butter him up. You heard me...you go ahead and pull out that rich, creamy, vat of Country Crock, but you're gonna have to wait until I'm golden brown and full of crispy goodness before you can start the buttering.